My Dilemma(s)


Well, school seems to be everyone’s challenge but this definitely caught me off guard. See, I was an honor student all through High school, getting no less than a 3.75 GPA all semester. Then I went to college.

Attending college is of course a big milestone, but I didn’t realize how big it was till I was due to go to school. My parents dropped me off with my two brothers. I reluctantly took pictures with them because I didn’t want to be embarrassed. My brothers didn’t feel like getting out of the car to smile for pictures either, after a six hour drive from the Bay Area to Southern California.

I was a biology major with aspirations to become a medical doctor. These dreams came crashing down–but not fully shattered. I let the thrill of college life take over. But that doesn’t even make any sense because I wasn’t really doing anything. Attending a notorious party school, you would think I was having the time of my life, but rather it was the complete opposite. I wasn’t miserable, I just wasn’t doing anything. I remember waking up on the first day of class, a Thursday, as a freshman, with Chemistry as my first class of my whole college career. I was about fifteen minutes early to class. The class was in a theater style setting with about 250 student, all freshman. But the amount of students in the class didn’t surprise me. The fact that the professor was in his 70’s (or at least he looked like he was) didn’t surprise me. What surprised me the most is that I was one of only five black students in that class.

What? Five? You are shitting me right now.

No, I’m dead serious. Five. Cinco. Cinq. Evidently, my school has only 3% African Americans, and over 50% Caucasians. I remember sending my mother a text telling her I’m sitting in a class with 200 other white people and she told me “don’t be discouraged or intimidated. Take this as a challenge and a blessing”.

I wish I did.

See, as a highschool student, I passed every class without being bothered to study. People called me a genius and after a while I started to believe that too. I believed I was so smart and therefore didn’t need to study to pass, and my grades in high school backed me up. I went to college with that attitude and got my ass whooped. I didn’t study for tests and the fact that we weren’t required to turn in any assignments made me even worse. I failed my first quarter as a college student. I cried.

I said to myself, never again. I went back for my second and third semester and struggled even harder.  I didn’t improve as much as I wanted and kept getting C’s. All I could do was cry and question God and blame all my problems on the devil. My mother couldn’t understand why I was facing so much problems at school and even took me to a psychiatrist and she diagnosed me with Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder. I took the prescription pills for a week and flushed the rest down the toilet. I hate taking pills. I even attempted changing my major from Biology to Economics because I was seeking an easy way out. But in life, there is no easy way out.

I have recently completed 2/3 of my sophomore year in college and things still haven’t looked up for me. I have realized that I AM the problem. Not the devil, not my professors, not my friends, not my enemies, not the fact that there are no people of color on my campus and certainly not ADHD. I have recently decided to take my spring quarter 9and the whole of summer) as a stepping stone for getting myself back together. I know my heart is still with medicine and I still wish to become a successful medical doctor in the near future.

I know I can.

So help me God


So this is my first post and hopefully of many to come. There aren’t reasons why I decided to start blogging. I’ve had my wordpress account for a while now. I never used it and when I found out that I cant delete it, I thought–hey, I might as well put it to good use.

I hope it is indeed good and useful for anyone reading this. IF there’s anyone reading this. I hope.

I should give myself a cookie for doing this. Problem is, I hate cookies. I’ll have a Snickers bar instead.


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